One more, please

Everyone in life experienced one or sometimes an abundance of those moments when you have already known the outcome of certain actions, but you performed them anyway.
To be honest now I know what everybody was talking about, but it does not feel even slightest relieving or less frustrating that I have already predicted this turn of events. Prediction does not necessarily means prevention. The awareness that everything would get so wrong or whatsoever could not prevent you from fuilfilling what you already had in mind. The reasons might be different for everybody, but for me they are just simple: I wanted to live and feel everything. I felt like I was running in a cage with no exit, no colour and no excitement. It still feels this way, but once you set yourself free you might never be the same. This is the good part and here comes the bad one: You find yourself in the middle of a battle between all kinds of emotions, each emotion trying to get advantage over the other until the moment when you just cannot hold this fiasco and want to shut yourself down...And then perhaps you will be shortly followed by numbness.
I came to the conclusion, in result of few sips of Gin, that there might not be a wrong or a right decision if the outcome is the same. At the end you will feel the same shatterness regardless what you have chosen. However, the catch might be that you can never really know what something could or could have not been, because all you have is one shot and one choice. Thus, I dare to say that we should not underestimate the power of emotions and overestimate our inner strength to control them, because once they reach us, there might be no way back...

An Interpretation

'Picture perfect memories scattered around the floor.
It's a quarter after 1, I am alone.
And I need you now.
Yes, I would rather hurt then feel nothing at all.'

The lyrics sound good, but they do not sound right. Not to me. I would lie to myself and to the world if I say that the memories were perfect. They were not, neither was you, nor perhaps me. They were just confused and disillusional like you and hopeful like me. However, such combination of memories have nothing in common, just like us. But it is too easy written on the screen and too frustrating convincing myself with it.
The second line of the lyrics is true. Not just quarter after one, half one or two, three. It is basically all the time, the time before you, the time with you and the time without you.
Then we come to the third line. It is false. I do not need you now. I needed you before, months ago, but now I just need the hurt to go and I know that it will, but then I will be back to myself. My old self, which I do not recognize anymore, the one I have not encounter since years. I do not want my old self back. It was defensive, building walls after walls, jumpy, impulsive and self-destructive. Only a fool would want that and maybe I am no fool anymore. I am no fool for anything. I breathe, I eat, I smile and rarely I laugh. All these things without you. And I do not need you, neither I miss you. You know that and you miss it, but you are too messed up to see and I am too exhausted to care.
..And the fourth line, my favourite one. It is quite controversial and I am quite controversial. Therefore, I can assume that for a moment I agree with it, that I would prefer feeling this pain instead of nothing at all. But only if this nothingness is just like my emptiness, because I absolutely do not want it back. I still catch myself wondering in moments like this, whether I would turn the time back if I had this 'opportunity'. I am not merely certain, but I would rather keep it as it is.
...Thus, I guess I am on my way to get rid of the hurt and welcome the emptiness.