I do not know how many posts I have left to write and how many paintings to paint so I would finally feel free again.
And I wish I knew.
I do not know how much thoughts I have left to give, emotions to reveal and energy to waste.
My words seem useless, my thoughts seem clouded and my canvas is overcrowded with colours.
So please, just wake me up when I am back to myself, because I am running out of patience, I am running out of colours,
and I am running out of words.
30 Jul 2013
28 Jul 2013
Let's play 21 questions before sleep
Why do we constantly and so relentlessly chase the wrong kind/way of things?
This leads to the next question without an universal answer- what is 'the wrong kind' and what is the right one, and can we ever know the difference between them before we take the action and bear the consequences?
All these lame, frantic questions and not a single solution in case we are searching for one, because I am and it is hard to find.
They (i.e., the people, society, pop culture, media, science) are trying to convince us that it's normal to want, wish, desire and chase, but is it 'normal' to pursue when it is wrong? Why we have to rely on our own judgement for that, but not for what everyone and everything considers normal? And before jumping to another dead-end question I will give my-sleepless-best to put in words whatever is stuck in my mind.
I want things, you want things, we all want all sorts of things. By things you can also count human beings or whichever beings you want to ('want' again,ah), and we generally aim to pursue what we want.
So far, so good. However, here comes the tricky part: is it normal/good/right to want and therefore, pursue things that do not really seem suitable for us? And by 'not suitable', I mean those that are not really working in our favours, that cause us endless circulation of thoughts, sleeplessness, confusion and self-questioning, along with few others.
At the end (yes, it does not even matter), I can come to the idea that it is not right to want something, which might be generally wrong. But, why do we still want these kind of stuff? Why do we have to chase what is not clearly meant for us, or when do we know for sure is it or not? How many attempts are allowed before we reach the alarming neon sign that shouts 'Just stop it and go on already!'?
So, yeah, I do not really know the answers and I have no clue whether I am on the right track. Aristotle seemed to know how to reach the 'golden balance' between two opposite sides, but apparently I am no Greek philosopher and it might be time to catch that neon sign and hold it until I finally achieve the frustrating sentence written on it.
This leads to the next question without an universal answer- what is 'the wrong kind' and what is the right one, and can we ever know the difference between them before we take the action and bear the consequences?
All these lame, frantic questions and not a single solution in case we are searching for one, because I am and it is hard to find.
They (i.e., the people, society, pop culture, media, science) are trying to convince us that it's normal to want, wish, desire and chase, but is it 'normal' to pursue when it is wrong? Why we have to rely on our own judgement for that, but not for what everyone and everything considers normal? And before jumping to another dead-end question I will give my-sleepless-best to put in words whatever is stuck in my mind.
I want things, you want things, we all want all sorts of things. By things you can also count human beings or whichever beings you want to ('want' again,ah), and we generally aim to pursue what we want.
So far, so good. However, here comes the tricky part: is it normal/good/right to want and therefore, pursue things that do not really seem suitable for us? And by 'not suitable', I mean those that are not really working in our favours, that cause us endless circulation of thoughts, sleeplessness, confusion and self-questioning, along with few others.
At the end (yes, it does not even matter), I can come to the idea that it is not right to want something, which might be generally wrong. But, why do we still want these kind of stuff? Why do we have to chase what is not clearly meant for us, or when do we know for sure is it or not? How many attempts are allowed before we reach the alarming neon sign that shouts 'Just stop it and go on already!'?
So, yeah, I do not really know the answers and I have no clue whether I am on the right track. Aristotle seemed to know how to reach the 'golden balance' between two opposite sides, but apparently I am no Greek philosopher and it might be time to catch that neon sign and hold it until I finally achieve the frustrating sentence written on it.
19 Jul 2013
...Because we had nothing else better to do
I kept performing the same repetative behaviour consisting of thoughts, words and images every night after 12 o'clock for a week. And finally on the 5th time, everything became clear. I revisited the past, because of the memories, because I might actually like them.
For the first time in few months I could take my mind back there without disappointment, bitterness or hurt.
Every sensible part of me screams that I should hold on anger and do everything I can to forget, but am I that crazy or unreasonable person who keep wanting to remember and feel?
It might all be an illusion, a lie, an act, but for a certainty I know that I started and ended it as a game. A game, which I strongly intended to win. However, I still catch myself wondering who was close enough to winning and I wish I could ask you, but meanwhile I wish that I would never have the chance, because the question and answer itself may change everything. Thus, it is useless to say that I do not have any desire to have my memories changed, because the moments captured in these memories are powerful, imperfect, bright and grey, overcoming, but confusing, meaningful and deep, wrong and right, raw, but real, like me, like you.
Afterall, there is a high chance for me to turn out being this awful and cold person, but still all I did was feeling and falling.
Complex and disastrous as it is, complex and unreasonable as I might be...
For the first time in few months I could take my mind back there without disappointment, bitterness or hurt.
Every sensible part of me screams that I should hold on anger and do everything I can to forget, but am I that crazy or unreasonable person who keep wanting to remember and feel?
It might all be an illusion, a lie, an act, but for a certainty I know that I started and ended it as a game. A game, which I strongly intended to win. However, I still catch myself wondering who was close enough to winning and I wish I could ask you, but meanwhile I wish that I would never have the chance, because the question and answer itself may change everything. Thus, it is useless to say that I do not have any desire to have my memories changed, because the moments captured in these memories are powerful, imperfect, bright and grey, overcoming, but confusing, meaningful and deep, wrong and right, raw, but real, like me, like you.
Afterall, there is a high chance for me to turn out being this awful and cold person, but still all I did was feeling and falling.
Complex and disastrous as it is, complex and unreasonable as I might be...
7 Jul 2013
...I felt and I fell.
I was quite certain that I would remember that moment long enough, but it seems that my memory is doing mind tricks with me. And I thought I was the only one who could perform them with such preciseness...
Cider, faint perfume scent and the chilly late night breeze, released out of the slightly opened window.
I felt and I fell.
My mind became blunt and my thoughts were not there anymore. They left to make space for my cloudless emotions going through every nerve of my body; making me feel effortless and free like never before. I was sharply aware of every motion around me and meanwhile I felt like was not even there.
...The magical effect of cider ran out of me rather quickly and I was unpleasently surprised by my awakened acute senses that wanted to remind me of their existence and punish me for my disregard of them.
Still I managed to get around my mind so I could process every bit, along with every gaze, every touch, every slow breath and every sigh.
Cider, faint perfume scent and the chilly late night breeze, released out of the slightly opened window.
I felt and I fell.
My mind became blunt and my thoughts were not there anymore. They left to make space for my cloudless emotions going through every nerve of my body; making me feel effortless and free like never before. I was sharply aware of every motion around me and meanwhile I felt like was not even there.
...The magical effect of cider ran out of me rather quickly and I was unpleasently surprised by my awakened acute senses that wanted to remind me of their existence and punish me for my disregard of them.
Still I managed to get around my mind so I could process every bit, along with every gaze, every touch, every slow breath and every sigh.
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