...Because we had nothing else better to do

I kept performing the same repetative behaviour consisting of thoughts, words and images every night after 12 o'clock for a week. And finally on the 5th time, everything became clear. I revisited the past, because of the memories, because I might actually like them.
For the first time in few months I could take my mind back there without disappointment, bitterness or hurt.
 Every sensible part of me screams that I should hold on anger and do everything I can to forget, but am I that crazy or unreasonable person who keep wanting to remember and feel?
It might all be an illusion, a lie, an act, but for a certainty I know that I started and ended it as a game. A game, which I strongly intended to win. However, I still catch myself wondering who was close enough to winning and I wish I could ask you, but meanwhile I wish that I would never have the chance, because the question and answer itself may change everything. Thus, it is useless to say that I do not have any desire to have my memories changed, because the moments captured in these memories are powerful, imperfect, bright and grey, overcoming, but confusing, meaningful and deep, wrong and right, raw, but real, like me, like you.
 Afterall, there is a high chance for me to turn out being this awful and cold person, but still all I did was feeling and falling.
Complex and disastrous as it is, complex and unreasonable as I might be...