Don't you forget?

''...One for the now and eleven for the later''

I was not supposed to write anything recently, but there was this thing called my sister's writing that changed my mind and here I go again on my own, the only way that I seem to know. I have spent most of my conscious life analysing myself and trying to find out why I react in particular ways during particular situations, so I would finally reach to the point when I would know what is that wrong with me. And do you know what, well you probably do: I have not found out yet. And indeed it does not hurt only when I laugh.
Days after days, I test myself on these quests when I would either win or lose the battle between me and my messed up self.

I wish I knew a lot of things, I wish I changed a lot of things and I so much wish I found a way to get through all this. I thought I knew, I thought I changed and I so much thought that I found that damn way. But the reality, the truth and our illusions or assumptions are never the same thing. Thus, yes, here I go again. The more I try to live, it seems that the more I tend to feel. The battle will probably never end in favour of me, because this messed up self I have will always find ways to win me over and over until there is probably nothing left.

When we know it is wrong, we move along.

I had the intentions of writing a post for days, but my thoughts could not be formulated into sentences. This will be something like a note, which I would like to keep for future references.
...There are moments in life when we do not feel like ourselves. We realize it and then we strongly wish to bring our old selves back. However, it does not happen so fast due to various different reasons, but we still hang on that thought and keep trying, because some morning (or noon) we will wake up and we will simply know. Realisation is the first step, followed by the efforts, which may fail, but we keep trying until it works. After that beaming moment when you finally understood that it is not really you and it's like living a double life, it is time to let go and move along (yes,like I know you do). It should not necessarily be that serious or dramatic. The beauty in this process might be that you are a step closer to what you really want, need or the knowledge of who you are and who you want to be.
When you feel that something is not right, do not close eyes for the sake of sustaining what you think you have. If you feel that it might be wrong, then it probably is. The minute you are left with the choice between finally listening to your inner voice and keep pretending, take a deep breath, think and choose wisely.

Another night, another party

I found myself reading Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, while drinking cherry tea with cinnamon and my mind was not quite there. It is a pleasant, quiet evening, an hour to midnight and I am...just not there. I blame the exhausting hectic day full with all kinds of irritations and work, but I can also blame myself and this is the part I wanted to avoid. It is just another night like the others and I am being myself, but something is not quite right.
The good thing is that I turned out to be right, which still gives me this satisfying feeling, even though it was not the outcome I may wanted it to be. Frankly speaking, I love being right and I do everything I can to make things right. However, this kind of right is not the right I wanted, but it might be the right I need, which I cannot forseen so far. I know that I make events and people-related moments more complicated than they should be and I can prevent that from happening. Still, I find something charming in the complexity and when things get back to their simplier form, it is shortly followed by well-known disappointment. I know that I make no sense at all.
In short, I can only say that I should be smarter than this and make better use of my words.
 Yes, my actions speak for themselves and I so should have spoken less...