''Let's find happiness together.''

Not only the one that's ephemeral and sheer fleeting, but that lasts, that's real, and doesn't hurt. Maybe it exists, maybe it is reachable and true.
When suddenly everything makes sense and at the same time you know it won't unless...
I still have so much left to learn. You need to teach me how to fight for this happiness without being under the forces of self-enhanced emotional inner torment. Will they always have to painfully switch turns, or you know the secret of how to stop the inevitable circle? Would you show me how to pause thinking, close my eyes and breathe, because I came to the moment when I broke my own rules, one by one. Let's leave it to the destiny, I looked into your eyes and heard you say. And I wanted to believe, I wanted to try, and feel. I do.

The room is silent, and I know it should not really be, the washing machine had to sing with me, but I could not bring myself to it. Laundry day has to wait. Encore.
This might be a good opening sentence if you pretend you have never read it and that I have never written it. Pretend, they say it's effortless. And all I can pretend is that pretending may some day come naturally to me too. Or is it called convincing, perhaps lying? It has no meaning and poses no importance. At the end everything is as it used to be and as you left it. Change is illusive. And so is everything.
Every day is a battle for a sun as Placebo were so kind to remind us, but they missed out to let us in to the secret how to lead it.

When you don't know

Thoughts fleeting like the sharp wind you struggle with every cold morning on your way to work.
Having a craving taste of this feeling you had long forgotten and then silently raging, because it turned from sweet to bitter-sweet. Yet bitter is better than no taste at all, so you put a brave face on and make another attempt to preserve it and maybe change it. Do you believe you can?
Abruptly waking up to the sounds of the rain angrily falling against your window, but you don't take it personal. It's rain after-all. Then letting yourself to be subtly drifted to that familiar dream again, with the clear realisation that it's not going to be the same.
Who needs sleep anyway, and grasping this unsatisfying thought in mind you widely open the window and embrace the rain drops, which now looked rather softened as you release them and watch them vanish into the warm room. Somehow doing this did not seem enough, it left the hunting feeling of  incompletion and you remember the side effects of it. But it's the only thing you can do and either accept it or evoke the right to do it differently. Do you believe you can?

White noise

Because you are gone and I am still here.
You made the silence beautiful and I will always be entirely grateful for that and for those words poured by a sane version of me. I know you enjoyed the crazy one, but later I came to the realisation that two are needed for this side to surface. You brought it along with the smile. Okay, it wasn't just one, but a dozen. I tried to conceal, I tried to lie myself in forgetting, but at the end how could I?
Time did not grant me with the chance to say everything I wanted to, nor to express all the emotions running through me. Everyday passing over the same places we did and selectively avoiding others. Because you are gone and I am still here.
I will not start on the countless things I miss, all I said on that note was true. But it was only a quarter of what I have felt. And there are so many I may not remember tomorrow or the following week, a month. I can't even recall if we shared a goodbye. Did we? I think I smiled when I wanted to cry, but you know that I am your power ranger and they don't cry,
... neither say goodbyes.

Cliffhangers

We all have heard that our 20s can be more or less confusing. 

What we did not expect to find out is that being in our twenties does not guarantee that we will have all our goals set and instantly accomplished. What we did not want to believe is that being an adult does not make us immune to heartbreaks and disappointments even if we are supposed to ''know better''.
We continue to make silly mistakes.
We can still fall for the narcissist and pathological liars type, because we have a lot yet to learn about us and other people.
I remember when I was sixteen thinking that drama and uncertainties will miraculously end once I graduate all those schools and universities. And I was wrong. Uncertainties - they never really disappear, I just need to learn a way not to be greatly challenged by them. Being older was anticipated to come with the reward of saying goodbye to naivety, but sadly or not, it does not. We still trust, and we still get hurt. The only thing that adds on to our age experience is that we get better in detecting lies and we build all those walls that are supposed to protect us. But they don't really, because walls get demolished, and hearts get broken.
We thought that adolescence will take away with it all the overlapping emotions and mixed feelings, but not quite. They persist to be there through adulthood as well.
At university lecture halls, neuroscientists comforted us that once we reach mid 20s we will have fully developed limbic system and pre-frontal cortex so we would be much better in making decisions and controlling our emotions. But is it that simple?

Adolescence was certainly messy, but it was full of dreams, some unrealistic, others already accomplished. Adulthood is another crazy roller-coaster of fighting the disappointment when all those dreams are not fulfilled yet and accepting that maybe few of them will never be, because it is not our path, or because it was not meant to be.
Acceptance is something we rarely needed to understand in our earlier years, but it is a lesson we need to learn more and more as we get older. We all want to have it all figured out and become those  fully structured individuals we were aspired to be, but it does not come with age or milestones, diplomas or jobs. It comes with small and great steps, with patience (that damn word I hate to hear and I haven't learnt how to use yet). It comes with realising what is best for us and what is not. And last but not the least it comes with listening to ourselves and paying attention to all those signals and flags that our hearts prefer to ignore so we could keep believing what we have is real, but sometimes we need to listen to these alarms. Emotions can blindfold us, and following our hearts is natural, but we need to know that our amazing brain is there for a reason, and maybe sometimes it has the right answer, even if we don't want to see it, because it may hurt.

August

I went to sleep at 5 a.m yesterday,
and the ceiling started leaking.
I wanted to bury my head
between your neck and shoulder.
And it was raining all day,
sun with no rainbow.
And I wish you were here,
I wish you were mine...

Invincible

...For a moment brief, but still that great.

I hoped, but I have not actually believed that those days would come. The moment when I would have my lost self back again. It did and I wish it stayed for longer. The light was there, winning for a first time. There was still some darkness, but there were no labyrinths. No overlapping intentions, nor billion structured goals. Lies did not hurt either. I was free, as free as probably I will ever be. I did not have the need to compensate, overachieve, want or be with. Everything and everyone I knew were irrelavant. Nothing had a long-term place in my life then. I did not need any. Those gone days were short, but pure, rare and felt more than real. They were what I would call this overused, often misunderstood word. They were happy. And maybe I was too.
I can't write more. This time the words are doing more harm than good, because contrary to all assumptions - happiness does not need to be described, explained or made beautiful. Leave it smply be, because some of us know that the genuine, the one we don't need to sugarcoat or force, is untraceable and ephemeral. Hold on it while you can, and once gone - be ready to welcome it again.