Another week away, my greatest fear.
I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ears.
Feel like every chance to leave is another chance I should have took.
Every minute is a mile.
I've never felt so hallow.
I won't see home till spring.
. . .
12 Dec 2011
10 Oct 2011
Answers wanted.
A human.
Such a simple world and meanwhile so complex. We all classify ourselves as humans.Biology classify us,the society does.Since everyone is born know one simple thing-a human.
But is this enough to live,love and reach some level of happiness?Or humans need more,and more,and more...?We can forgive but should we do it everytime the other human does a mistake? Or some mistakes need more than a forgivness? Is one sorry enough to vanish all mistakes and sadness and bitterness? Can a human still be like the other humans or the actions and mistakes differentiate them? When one human should put an end and when should just forgive? When one human realize their mistakes and provide more than a simple 'sorry' and when the word 'sorry' itself is not enough anymore?
I am a human.You are a human.
But more than this-we have nothing in common anymore.
Such a simple world and meanwhile so complex. We all classify ourselves as humans.Biology classify us,the society does.Since everyone is born know one simple thing-a human.
But is this enough to live,love and reach some level of happiness?Or humans need more,and more,and more...?We can forgive but should we do it everytime the other human does a mistake? Or some mistakes need more than a forgivness? Is one sorry enough to vanish all mistakes and sadness and bitterness? Can a human still be like the other humans or the actions and mistakes differentiate them? When one human should put an end and when should just forgive? When one human realize their mistakes and provide more than a simple 'sorry' and when the word 'sorry' itself is not enough anymore?
I am a human.You are a human.
But more than this-we have nothing in common anymore.
26 Sept 2011
***
Life is an endless battle.
Sometimes life chooses us the battles,
but sometimes we make these choices.
Can't say which are better or righter,
...but the battles WE choose-seem the gultiest ones.
***
Sometimes life chooses us the battles,
but sometimes we make these choices.
Can't say which are better or righter,
...but the battles WE choose-seem the gultiest ones.
***
25 Jul 2011
Monday early afternoon.
Does stupidity has a name?
-If it does,it must be her name.
Does she do mistakes?
-Every single minute of her day.
Does she pay the price?
-Soon we will know.
Does she ever learns her lesson?
-[The question can not be processed.Error.error.error.]
Does she actually enjoy being such person?
-Define 'such'.
Does she has intuition?
-Positive.
Does she listen to it?
-Negative.
Does she ever realize her stupidity?
-Positive.Certainly positive.
Does she ever do something to prevent it?
-Negative.Certainly negative.
Will she ever grow up?
-[The question can not be processed.Error.Error.Error.]
...
-If it does,it must be her name.
Does she do mistakes?
-Every single minute of her day.
Does she pay the price?
-Soon we will know.
Does she ever learns her lesson?
-[The question can not be processed.Error.error.error.]
Does she actually enjoy being such person?
-Define 'such'.
Does she has intuition?
-Positive.
Does she listen to it?
-Negative.
Does she ever realize her stupidity?
-Positive.Certainly positive.
Does she ever do something to prevent it?
-Negative.Certainly negative.
Will she ever grow up?
-[The question can not be processed.Error.Error.Error.]
...
24 Jul 2011
Sunday afternoon.
Louder. More.
You happy? Cause me,more.
Same old songs, vanished under spell.Your spell.
Same old shoes,worn out beneath my feet. Bravely touching the ground.
Same old words, repeating in my lame vocabulary. Patiently waiting to be enriched and replaced.
And same old thoughts,
...because they never stop chasing me until they finally reach me. And good...and bad.
Everything I have.
You happy? Cause me,more.
Same old songs, vanished under spell.Your spell.
Same old shoes,worn out beneath my feet. Bravely touching the ground.
Same old words, repeating in my lame vocabulary. Patiently waiting to be enriched and replaced.
And same old thoughts,
...because they never stop chasing me until they finally reach me. And good...and bad.
Everything I have.
3 Jul 2011
Meaningless post for...whom it might refer?
July,oh,July.How fast you come and how soon you might gone?
***
Fairly said this is one of the most recent and amusing girls talk myself had in ages.All worth it.
That's all that could be said. However, not much done,not much wanted,not much expected.It treats me good.A bit of reading,less laughing,a bit of talking,even less going out.Who said holidays were boring?... for a good old introvert and her sci-pre-created-self.
***
Fairly said this is one of the most recent and amusing girls talk myself had in ages.All worth it.
That's all that could be said. However, not much done,not much wanted,not much expected.It treats me good.A bit of reading,less laughing,a bit of talking,even less going out.Who said holidays were boring?... for a good old introvert and her sci-pre-created-self.
21 Jun 2011
Crisis of the middle (20th) age (?)
...she said so/
She said she is a mess.
She chopped her nail polish while twisting her hair.
She can drive you crazy and drive herself to the good old No-where.
Sometimes she feels like there is No-air.
She lives in a strange land.
She just doesn't know where is this land yet.
She makes you wanna suicide and end your pity life.
There is no right or wrong.No black nor white.
Sometimes she knows what she wants.
Sometimes she pretends she does.
She is no good liar.
She can't lie her poor old self.
All she knows that now she is in c-r-i-s-i-s which can kill your joyful days.
Sarcasm is her poetry.
Fiction is her world.
Pessimism is her lover.
Drama is her brother.
After sorting out the family,it's time for rock'n'roll.
You understand,darling,she is just not your type of girl.
She said she is a mess.
She chopped her nail polish while twisting her hair.
She can drive you crazy and drive herself to the good old No-where.
Sometimes she feels like there is No-air.
She lives in a strange land.
She just doesn't know where is this land yet.
She makes you wanna suicide and end your pity life.
There is no right or wrong.No black nor white.
Sometimes she knows what she wants.
Sometimes she pretends she does.
She is no good liar.
She can't lie her poor old self.
All she knows that now she is in c-r-i-s-i-s which can kill your joyful days.
Sarcasm is her poetry.
Fiction is her world.
Pessimism is her lover.
Drama is her brother.
After sorting out the family,it's time for rock'n'roll.
You understand,darling,she is just not your type of girl.
6 Jun 2011
All you can think of...
...are blue butterflies.
(And it's true.)
One day you woke up and you don't realise it,because you already know it.You know that all you can and you will think of ...are blue butterflies.You probably can change it,but you don't do the effort...And why would you? You know how it would be.How it was supposed to be.The thing you don't know is really how it is going to be.You have images in your head of...blue butterflies.
You have thoughts.And we both know that those thoughts don't have an end,don't have a beginning.Your mind is full of spinning memories,bothering thoughts,thousand little pieces of questions.If a question could be seperated into pieces.But yours are.Every tiny bit of every question holds its own mystery of the unknown.The other day.Tomorrow.The next tomorrow.They chase each other in your head untill you realise that they will not end.They may find their tiny bit of answer,but this answer may not be the YOUR answer.The one you need.The one you want.They will continue to follow you in your mind and occupy your time.And you will continue to push them away,to push these little endless pieces of questions and possible answers untill you fall asleep again.Because after you wake up no matter how many hours of thinking could pass,you eventually fall asleep again.That's the wonderful thing about you...You fall asleep and forget.Or you pretend to forget.Both ways work synchronically.
...Then you wake up again after minute,an hour,a day and it repeats.The images,the thoughts,the questions and their pieces,the possible answers and their tiny parts,all of them in blue,all of them in the shape of...
...blue butterflies.
(And it's true.)
One day you woke up and you don't realise it,because you already know it.You know that all you can and you will think of ...are blue butterflies.You probably can change it,but you don't do the effort...And why would you? You know how it would be.How it was supposed to be.The thing you don't know is really how it is going to be.You have images in your head of...blue butterflies.
You have thoughts.And we both know that those thoughts don't have an end,don't have a beginning.Your mind is full of spinning memories,bothering thoughts,thousand little pieces of questions.If a question could be seperated into pieces.But yours are.Every tiny bit of every question holds its own mystery of the unknown.The other day.Tomorrow.The next tomorrow.They chase each other in your head untill you realise that they will not end.They may find their tiny bit of answer,but this answer may not be the YOUR answer.The one you need.The one you want.They will continue to follow you in your mind and occupy your time.And you will continue to push them away,to push these little endless pieces of questions and possible answers untill you fall asleep again.Because after you wake up no matter how many hours of thinking could pass,you eventually fall asleep again.That's the wonderful thing about you...You fall asleep and forget.Or you pretend to forget.Both ways work synchronically.
...Then you wake up again after minute,an hour,a day and it repeats.The images,the thoughts,the questions and their pieces,the possible answers and their tiny parts,all of them in blue,all of them in the shape of...
...blue butterflies.
16 May 2011
I am not the friendship type.
Even though I am expected to prepare for my lovely exams...what am I doing now? Blogging.
Don't ask why,I might be unable to give an answer.
And don't accuse me for that,I also might be unable to care.
***
You close your eyes,images passing in your mind,you like them or you don't and give your best to push them away,but most of the times not successful.But you still fight it.Because? You don't know.All you know is that you don't want to think about it,or to dream about it or your head to be place of nightmares for another night.Then you wake up.You open your eyes.And you see.You see the world,the same places,the same you,or not the same,cause it changed,changed by the same images in your head.Changed by...you.
***
I am not the friendship type.I have never been. People have friends from the kindergarden,the primary school,then highschool,university.They stuck together basically from the 'crib' till they engage. I don't.It is impossible for me.The friendship idea is impossible for me.I can't be stuck with someone since kindergarden.People change.I change,they change.How am I supposed to be stuck with someone who will not be the same person or neither I will. People like their friends.They adore to know that they have someone.Not like I don't.I just can't.Girls don't like me.They have never did.It was either cause I am too different,too ignorant,too boy-ish,too girl-ish,too cool,too warm,too nice,too bad.It's all the same.And I don't like them too.For the same reasons.Boys,most of them are immature for the pure friendship,or even if they are not,well we just don't fit in any possible way.
I am just not the friendship type.
I don't mind it.I guess I have never really did.I like it this way.My own way.People don't like me and I don't like them too.But I want to help them,cause everyone deserves help...Besides our differences.
...
Don't ask why,I might be unable to give an answer.
And don't accuse me for that,I also might be unable to care.
***
You close your eyes,images passing in your mind,you like them or you don't and give your best to push them away,but most of the times not successful.But you still fight it.Because? You don't know.All you know is that you don't want to think about it,or to dream about it or your head to be place of nightmares for another night.Then you wake up.You open your eyes.And you see.You see the world,the same places,the same you,or not the same,cause it changed,changed by the same images in your head.Changed by...you.
***
I am not the friendship type.I have never been. People have friends from the kindergarden,the primary school,then highschool,university.They stuck together basically from the 'crib' till they engage. I don't.It is impossible for me.The friendship idea is impossible for me.I can't be stuck with someone since kindergarden.People change.I change,they change.How am I supposed to be stuck with someone who will not be the same person or neither I will. People like their friends.They adore to know that they have someone.Not like I don't.I just can't.Girls don't like me.They have never did.It was either cause I am too different,too ignorant,too boy-ish,too girl-ish,too cool,too warm,too nice,too bad.It's all the same.And I don't like them too.For the same reasons.Boys,most of them are immature for the pure friendship,or even if they are not,well we just don't fit in any possible way.
I am just not the friendship type.
I don't mind it.I guess I have never really did.I like it this way.My own way.People don't like me and I don't like them too.But I want to help them,cause everyone deserves help...Besides our differences.
...
8 May 2011
2 am and I'm still awake.
Another night spend tweeting instead of the good old overrated sleeping.
But who can blame me?
You?
...
I started to believe that blogging is way of living,that love is a way of trading and the sleep a way of escaping. I started to think that dreams might come true,but before they do,you already have other ones.I started to know myself.And just when I did, I think I slipped on other way,on other path.'Who's the guilty one' you might ask? And I would simply say 'Stop screaming inside'.Cause you love to do it.You love almost everything you can't have.You love jumping in the deep.But just when you did,the deep became immense.But you know that you'll still doing this,cause me and you are one thing,just like Plato and Descartes deny that brain and mind are a whole.Subjective and objective.Monism and dualism.Sleep and awake.Fake and real.Pain and joy.Dream and weep.Mine and yours.
Take it or leave it.
But who can blame me?
You?
...
I started to believe that blogging is way of living,that love is a way of trading and the sleep a way of escaping. I started to think that dreams might come true,but before they do,you already have other ones.I started to know myself.And just when I did, I think I slipped on other way,on other path.'Who's the guilty one' you might ask? And I would simply say 'Stop screaming inside'.Cause you love to do it.You love almost everything you can't have.You love jumping in the deep.But just when you did,the deep became immense.But you know that you'll still doing this,cause me and you are one thing,just like Plato and Descartes deny that brain and mind are a whole.Subjective and objective.Monism and dualism.Sleep and awake.Fake and real.Pain and joy.Dream and weep.Mine and yours.
Take it or leave it.
5 May 2011
My dearest Frannie,my dearest Willy.
Recently (well counting today and yesterday) I have thoughts.Different thoughts.About the world and me...the people.I start to appreciate it.Yes, it is probably because of the climate change or because of Salinger and his terribly adorable book (Frannie and Zooey)...But I see it.I see it and I feel it.I want to live it.And I don't want to.But most of the time I do.I miss the book,it showed me the meaning.Even though I have read it 2 years ago I was a child...And now I see it at the way I was supposed to. Frannie is damn right... Everyone has too much 'ego,ego,ego'. And tonight I watched this film,which made me think again about everything besides me and myself (the everyday life motive)... 'Waiting for forever'
...This boy (Willy) sees it, he sees it at the way we all have to see it.But we can't.It's not about the weather,it's not about the economics,about crisis,about terrorism and fuckin' politics,it's not about saving the world or making it 'better place'.It is simply about the simple lost things.It's about US-the people,the individuals,as he calls it 'peachy' side of the things.How we all should feel 'peachy'.Cause even it seems we have nothing and the world is all that cruel,bad,sad place...who cares.We are alive.That's all matters.Live it as you like it,live it as you want it,just be 'peachy'...It is not meant to be hard.
...Y-o-u m-a-k-e i-t h-a-r-d.
...This boy (Willy) sees it, he sees it at the way we all have to see it.But we can't.It's not about the weather,it's not about the economics,about crisis,about terrorism and fuckin' politics,it's not about saving the world or making it 'better place'.It is simply about the simple lost things.It's about US-the people,the individuals,as he calls it 'peachy' side of the things.How we all should feel 'peachy'.Cause even it seems we have nothing and the world is all that cruel,bad,sad place...who cares.We are alive.That's all matters.Live it as you like it,live it as you want it,just be 'peachy'...It is not meant to be hard.
...Y-o-u m-a-k-e i-t h-a-r-d.
4 May 2011
A post for S.
...даже и рима има...
Няма за какво да пиша за това ще се оплача от моето мега огромно главоболие,което ми лази по нервите толкова и колкото дразнещите ми съквартиранти и техните също толкова ужасни приятели,които сякаш си правят състезание кой да навика кого повече...Невероятно.
Но тя вече си го знае по неволя..
***
Finding.Hinding.Doubting and wondering.Feeling and not anymore dreaming.Most of the time thinking and right now having this major huge headache which decorates flowers inside my head. Probably the neurons loves this mess.Another rhyme and another pointless sentence, which contrary to all linguistic rules-it doesn't express a complete thought,simply because my head doesn't express completeness in all possible levels.The reason you wouuld ask for or maybe never even thought of asking for?- the lovely headache and the lovely pain and guilt i feel which causes my lovely-all-the-time depression.
Nobody would never ask for,why-because noone would never dare to.
Няма за какво да пиша за това ще се оплача от моето мега огромно главоболие,което ми лази по нервите толкова и колкото дразнещите ми съквартиранти и техните също толкова ужасни приятели,които сякаш си правят състезание кой да навика кого повече...Невероятно.
Но тя вече си го знае по неволя..
***
Finding.Hinding.Doubting and wondering.Feeling and not anymore dreaming.Most of the time thinking and right now having this major huge headache which decorates flowers inside my head. Probably the neurons loves this mess.Another rhyme and another pointless sentence, which contrary to all linguistic rules-it doesn't express a complete thought,simply because my head doesn't express completeness in all possible levels.The reason you wouuld ask for or maybe never even thought of asking for?- the lovely headache and the lovely pain and guilt i feel which causes my lovely-all-the-time depression.
Nobody would never ask for,why-because noone would never dare to.
7 Mar 2011
The science of..my mind.
Първите стъпки към промяната ми за тази година изминаха. Успешно или не-предполагам ще разбера скоро.А до тогава остава въпроса дали да предприема опит за следваща стъпка към промяна.Не бих казала по-фрапираща,но определено не по-малко рискована и плашеща.А както всички знаем аз не съм по рисковете.Аз не поемам рискове и съм горда с това.Рискуването е нещо,което не го умея и за щастие,защото тогава щях да съм много по-голяма mess от колкото сега съм.А сега не съм малко (кога ли съм била...е друг въпрос за друго време). Довечера имам шанса да предприема attempt за новия избор.А дали ще има нов риск е рано да се каже.Това зависи от съдбата.А как аз ще приема това -зависи от мен самата.И там е плашещото.Аз се плаша от всичко,но не всичко е наистина плашещо.
...
Предстои да разберем.Предстои най-накрая да се свърши с част от чуденето ми.
Или пък то тепърва започва...?
...
Предстои да разберем.Предстои най-накрая да се свърши с част от чуденето ми.
Или пък то тепърва започва...?
6 Mar 2011
Escape.A choice.Right or Wrong?
Отново добре познатите дилеми и избори.
Понякога звучи толкова просто и лесно,и може би наистина е.
Но само понякога.
Иска ми се да виждах бъдещето...да можех да правя правилните избори дори с риска всичко да бъде скучно.И сега,когато съм отново на прага да избирам,нещата не са вече същите.
Аз не съм вече същата.Толкова ли е грешно да искам всичко да бъде много по-лесно от колкото е сега? Да искам съвършеното спокойствие там където дори няма изгледи да съществува? Един отговор,един избор,едно решение и си мислиш,че с това се изчерпват търсенията.Но не.След това ще се появят нови и ти пак ще си изгубен в нищото на това,което си мислиш,че искаш и това,което ти се случва.Сам избери.Но и сам сгреши.Няма съвършена истина,както и няма съвършено правилен избор.И в двата случая си в капана на самия себе си...А изход? Няма там,където го търсиш.
Понякога звучи толкова просто и лесно,и може би наистина е.
Но само понякога.
Иска ми се да виждах бъдещето...да можех да правя правилните избори дори с риска всичко да бъде скучно.И сега,когато съм отново на прага да избирам,нещата не са вече същите.
Аз не съм вече същата.Толкова ли е грешно да искам всичко да бъде много по-лесно от колкото е сега? Да искам съвършеното спокойствие там където дори няма изгледи да съществува? Един отговор,един избор,едно решение и си мислиш,че с това се изчерпват търсенията.Но не.След това ще се появят нови и ти пак ще си изгубен в нищото на това,което си мислиш,че искаш и това,което ти се случва.Сам избери.Но и сам сгреши.Няма съвършена истина,както и няма съвършено правилен избор.И в двата случая си в капана на самия себе си...А изход? Няма там,където го търсиш.
4 Feb 2011
Will you be there when I am not here anymore?
I thought the wind would make me feel complete...
I thought the wind would throw away my worries...
but the only thing the wind did was to mess my hair.
***
One evening-you wake up and you realise that the mornings suck,the evenings suck,that everything you did and remember from the day sucks. Even your hard work on the another stupid coursework.
I want peace.
I want move.
I want sunshine.
I want warm wind.
I want laugh.
I want summer.
I want...to keep myself as long as I can.But I lose myself,slowly and the truth is I don't do anything to stop it.I simply surrendered. Don't ask why. Don't know how.Don't.
I thought the wind would throw away my worries...
but the only thing the wind did was to mess my hair.
***
One evening-you wake up and you realise that the mornings suck,the evenings suck,that everything you did and remember from the day sucks. Even your hard work on the another stupid coursework.
I want peace.
I want move.
I want sunshine.
I want warm wind.
I want laugh.
I want summer.
I want...to keep myself as long as I can.But I lose myself,slowly and the truth is I don't do anything to stop it.I simply surrendered. Don't ask why. Don't know how.Don't.
21 Jan 2011
...But I still haven't found what I am looking for.
Пореден ден гледайки как слънцето залязва над морето или океана или каквото и да е там.И дори все повече да ми се иска да го последвам и видя отблизо,то пак няма да е моето си море...Пак ще е това странното,кристално синю...Дори мисленето да спре,дори и скритата болка също,нищо няма да се промени.Аз няма да се променя.Няма повече да пренебрегвам себе си за да се впиша в нещо,което не съм,не принадлежа и не искам да бъда.Не искам да бягам повече от себе си в името на нещо,което ми се изплъзва бавно и което може да провали всичко.Но кое ли е това всичко...мечтите ми или плановете ми,те едно и също нещо ли са или различно.Залагам на второто.Но дали то залага на мен.Дали плановете ми,които не са изцяло огледало на мечтите ми,ще ме предадат или приемат.Дали аз ще помагам наистина на другите или това ще си остане поредната глупост породена от нищото в мен...Дали това наистина си заслужава и моята 'метаморфоза' в някакъв 'scientist' си струва...
I do not know. Probably I will never know. The question is will I still accept it and live on it...or escape and follow myself.If I know what my real self is...
...But I still haven't found what I am looking for.
...
I do not know. Probably I will never know. The question is will I still accept it and live on it...or escape and follow myself.If I know what my real self is...
...But I still haven't found what I am looking for.
...
8 Jan 2011
Make me fly or make me learn how not to try.
/P-a-i-n-f-u-l/
...А си мислех,че мога да летя.
Да летя или да се приземя все едно никога не съм откривала нищо и никого. А аз го направих,но някак си вече не мога отново.Един път като че ли ми стигаше.Предостатъчно.Всичките онези безброй много пъти,когато си мислех,че губя себе си са били нищо особено в сравнение с момента,когато усетиш истинска празнота,която съм си я причиняваш...И знаеш,че няма да се запълни в определен срок от време.А,ако някой ден се запълни,тогава осъзнаваш,че нещо в теб се е пречупило и не е редно да е.Кръг.Твърде много се изписах за това,но то няма да се промени,може и да спре,да се преглътне и т.н,но не изчезва.Аз не искам да изчезне.Не искам да се променям повече,от колкото вече го направих.Всичко има някаква цена,но дали тя се оправдава,едва ли ще разбера скоро...Едва ли ще видя отговора на най-терзаещия ме въпрос.Но най-нелепото е да го видя,и да не му обърна внимание,защото ще бъда заровена в несъществуващи неща.Дали е грешка,дали мисленето,че е греша е грешка сама по себе си...?
Не очаквам да разбера сега,нито утре.Но се надявам да узная скоро,защото е време да изляза от кръга и от гонитбата със себе си,миналото,настоящето и бъдещето.
...
...А си мислех,че мога да летя.
Да летя или да се приземя все едно никога не съм откривала нищо и никого. А аз го направих,но някак си вече не мога отново.Един път като че ли ми стигаше.Предостатъчно.Всичките онези безброй много пъти,когато си мислех,че губя себе си са били нищо особено в сравнение с момента,когато усетиш истинска празнота,която съм си я причиняваш...И знаеш,че няма да се запълни в определен срок от време.А,ако някой ден се запълни,тогава осъзнаваш,че нещо в теб се е пречупило и не е редно да е.Кръг.Твърде много се изписах за това,но то няма да се промени,може и да спре,да се преглътне и т.н,но не изчезва.Аз не искам да изчезне.Не искам да се променям повече,от колкото вече го направих.Всичко има някаква цена,но дали тя се оправдава,едва ли ще разбера скоро...Едва ли ще видя отговора на най-терзаещия ме въпрос.Но най-нелепото е да го видя,и да не му обърна внимание,защото ще бъда заровена в несъществуващи неща.Дали е грешка,дали мисленето,че е греша е грешка сама по себе си...?
Не очаквам да разбера сега,нито утре.Но се надявам да узная скоро,защото е време да изляза от кръга и от гонитбата със себе си,миналото,настоящето и бъдещето.
...
5 Jan 2011
Give me candies and I will throw them to you,cause this is what I do.
...
Наскоро не съм писала,за да споделя колко ми е омръзнало [в-с-и-ч-к-о].
Понякога се чудя (понякога ли?всяка седмица) в какво се забърках,къде ми беше ума (който очевидно го няма) ... Всичко нова въобще струва ли си.Да има някакви плюсчета в цялата картина,но другото? Не е като да не съществува и не е като да излизаш с осигурен билет за всичко невероятно,бляскаво и неспирно щастие.Не е.Може и всъщност след тези 3 години (ако оцелея някак си) да ми е пак също толкова зле,колкото и сега.И тогава какво? На какво ще се надявам? На Апокалипсиса,който упорито отказва да дойде ли...Или на някакво чудо,което няма причина да се случва тоцно на мен.Всичко е някакъв кръг.И да,харесва ми.Но,достатъчно много ли за да покрие останалото?Това е въпрос,който все още не мога да открия с отговор,а времето си минава и аз стоя на едно място-нито да съм го приела на цяло,нито отхвърлила.И всичко това е свързано с другите и тяхното шибано мнение,което но ме интересува ни най-малко,но не е останалите.И какъв е смисъла от цялата работа?Никакъв.Той никога не го е имало и няма и да има очевидно.Главата ми е пълна с какви ли не неща,като 90% от тях са притеснения и очаквания и проблеми.А е излишно да казвам,че дълбоко ми е омръзнало от това.Искам си спокойствието,което май ще остaва перманентно от моя живот и май трябва да свиквам с това.Но как,като можеше да е различно.Дори да не беше,имаше надеждата да е.Винаги я има.Винаги го има питането :Какво,ако..? Но това е.Ти или искаш или не искаш нещо.Най-накрая избери страна и пристани да ходиш от полюс на полюс,защото ми писна.Много.Безкрйно много,щом чак прописах в този умрял блог.
***
..Get yourself together,cause I will do it instead of you.I will take the fucking decision and then you will be angry only and only at yourself.Cause,really,you are the guilty one.Always.You and your thoughts.You are your decisions,you and your dreams.Blah blah.I am sick of them.I am sick of your non-stop inner complaining and wondering.
Stop it,before..I come unstoppable.
...
Наскоро не съм писала,за да споделя колко ми е омръзнало [в-с-и-ч-к-о].
Понякога се чудя (понякога ли?всяка седмица) в какво се забърках,къде ми беше ума (който очевидно го няма) ... Всичко нова въобще струва ли си.Да има някакви плюсчета в цялата картина,но другото? Не е като да не съществува и не е като да излизаш с осигурен билет за всичко невероятно,бляскаво и неспирно щастие.Не е.Може и всъщност след тези 3 години (ако оцелея някак си) да ми е пак също толкова зле,колкото и сега.И тогава какво? На какво ще се надявам? На Апокалипсиса,който упорито отказва да дойде ли...Или на някакво чудо,което няма причина да се случва тоцно на мен.Всичко е някакъв кръг.И да,харесва ми.Но,достатъчно много ли за да покрие останалото?Това е въпрос,който все още не мога да открия с отговор,а времето си минава и аз стоя на едно място-нито да съм го приела на цяло,нито отхвърлила.И всичко това е свързано с другите и тяхното шибано мнение,което но ме интересува ни най-малко,но не е останалите.И какъв е смисъла от цялата работа?Никакъв.Той никога не го е имало и няма и да има очевидно.Главата ми е пълна с какви ли не неща,като 90% от тях са притеснения и очаквания и проблеми.А е излишно да казвам,че дълбоко ми е омръзнало от това.Искам си спокойствието,което май ще остaва перманентно от моя живот и май трябва да свиквам с това.Но как,като можеше да е различно.Дори да не беше,имаше надеждата да е.Винаги я има.Винаги го има питането :Какво,ако..? Но това е.Ти или искаш или не искаш нещо.Най-накрая избери страна и пристани да ходиш от полюс на полюс,защото ми писна.Много.Безкрйно много,щом чак прописах в този умрял блог.
***
..Get yourself together,cause I will do it instead of you.I will take the fucking decision and then you will be angry only and only at yourself.Cause,really,you are the guilty one.Always.You and your thoughts.You are your decisions,you and your dreams.Blah blah.I am sick of them.I am sick of your non-stop inner complaining and wondering.
Stop it,before..I come unstoppable.
...
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