It has been a long time since I have written anything besides the daily random tweets. I am certain that it's not a big loss, because, let's face it- nobody reads this self-absorbed-crap. I can't also deny that I secretly enjoy this little space of self-absorbtion. But let's focus here, shall we?
I was wondering how to start this incredibly awkward post: by a short summary of the current ana past life events or perhaps some sarcastic note. Well, as you probably noticed I did neither of them. Even though, I am a fan of summaries and reviews, I could not bother myself pouring my heart out on a blank web page. It's not like I have never done it before, as you all know, I am good at writing about myself and my randezvous. But (yes, there is always a 'but') desperate times need desperate measures? And before you assume that I am going all-desperately-crazy here, I am not, or at least not yet.
And now, let me tell you a story about a girl...
There was a time when a girl wanted to love and be loved. Then she convinced herself that loving is overrated, so focused only at being loved. After a certain amount of time, the same girl saw that it's not so hard to love, afterall it needs courage, but it's worth it, as long as no pain is involved (or at least she thought so). But just like the rest of the similar stories, the girl thought that she surprsingly achieved it all (and no, I am not defining it-understand it as you find suitable).
However, time (such a good friend) showed her that having it all or half of all is not quite the same and not quite what she had in mind (and she had all kind of thoughts in her little messed up mind). The girl realized that people may change even without a clear notice, that they can change slowly with time and grow...Then, in short, she started to wonder whether she is from the 'bright' ones or the 'dark' ones (to be honest, I doubt she will ever know the answer, but she is trying to).
Out of nowhere, she noticed certain people, different from the way she did before...This inevitably changed the way she perceives all other people and eventually doubting herself. They say doubts are good, they give us direction and nudge us when we are not on the right one. But, sometimes doubts can be also tricky and makes us wonder why we do certain things lead by certain feelings or assumptions...False or right.
After the girl noticed everything in a different way, she felt immensely confused and started to ask questions about The Great Unknown ...
As you may already know, that girl has things to sort out and a lot to learn, but as I may know, she also needs to laugh from time to time and reminds herself that afterall, we all have doubts and feelings...and it's completely okay to do so.
11 Dec 2012
16 Sept 2012
Friendships are like the weather: sunny,rainy or windy.
I have not been ranting in a while (in my posts,not really in general as you know me), but time is up. This blog topic will not be part of the general rant but something like 'personal-issues-rant'. Yes, one of my favourites and one of your least favourite (not like you-readers exist).
It is far from being a big deal to me, because this is not the first time it happened to me so I will try to make it sound a bit witty-funny, not the whinny-funny.
Friends.
No, I will not write about the well-known TV show. I will talk about my rich and deep experience with various people to whom I referred as 'friends'. I had like 2-3 close friendships in different periods of my life and they all faded with time. You can blame the weather, the personalities or the society, I stopped caring long time ago. All of these people enriched my life in a certain period of time and helped me grow as myself now. We shared funny moments and I still keep the memories. Sometimes I still talk with only one of them (so you can get the picture who of them thought the same about me). I have never been the kind of a person who is circled with a large group of people, but I did my best to keep even the few friends I had. However, with time people depart from each other and I am not going to blame them for that. People change and have different interests and priorities. It is highly normal.
The thing is that I can not lie to myself that I am not bothered when some of my friends decide to move out of my life. However, I know their reasons for that, because I know them pretty well for all these 7-ish years. Friendship means different things for different people. I value friendship a lot, but some people consider friendship as fun and something you can always have,always gain without any attempt of developing it or caring for it. I have a friend from this type and I am sorry that we came to be apart for whatever reasons I do not know, but I do suspect. Anyway, this might gets me a bit upset, but you can't really be upset about something you predicted long time ago.
You should just get over it and remind yourself that friends are not forever, nothing is forever, we are not for ever. Therefore, dear readers (if you really exist) value your friendships, your family, and yourself. You can be upset for a while for lost causes, but never forget that it's not always the most important thing.
It is far from being a big deal to me, because this is not the first time it happened to me so I will try to make it sound a bit witty-funny, not the whinny-funny.
Friends.
No, I will not write about the well-known TV show. I will talk about my rich and deep experience with various people to whom I referred as 'friends'. I had like 2-3 close friendships in different periods of my life and they all faded with time. You can blame the weather, the personalities or the society, I stopped caring long time ago. All of these people enriched my life in a certain period of time and helped me grow as myself now. We shared funny moments and I still keep the memories. Sometimes I still talk with only one of them (so you can get the picture who of them thought the same about me). I have never been the kind of a person who is circled with a large group of people, but I did my best to keep even the few friends I had. However, with time people depart from each other and I am not going to blame them for that. People change and have different interests and priorities. It is highly normal.
The thing is that I can not lie to myself that I am not bothered when some of my friends decide to move out of my life. However, I know their reasons for that, because I know them pretty well for all these 7-ish years. Friendship means different things for different people. I value friendship a lot, but some people consider friendship as fun and something you can always have,always gain without any attempt of developing it or caring for it. I have a friend from this type and I am sorry that we came to be apart for whatever reasons I do not know, but I do suspect. Anyway, this might gets me a bit upset, but you can't really be upset about something you predicted long time ago.
You should just get over it and remind yourself that friends are not forever, nothing is forever, we are not for ever. Therefore, dear readers (if you really exist) value your friendships, your family, and yourself. You can be upset for a while for lost causes, but never forget that it's not always the most important thing.
29 Aug 2012
Faith
I have not written a blog post in a while, but I have my reasons (of course). It's not like nothing happened. Things happened, but no one cares about them and honestly I am not really keen on the idea sharing them in the vast Internet space. Call me an odd blogger, I do not really care. I spent these couple of days at a slightly different way than the usual. I was reading a bit more and now my book is almost over. This is what happens when I was not around a computer or the Internet for that matter.
I am currently reading 'A Prayer for Owen Meany' and it is a book which is never getting boring. I have not been reading much fiction this year but this book is...different. It is not the usual cliche, there is no romance, no break ups, not the usual drama. The events that occur in this book are really tragical and meanwhile the author keeps it fresh. Irving is a really good writer. The plot is quite original and the characters are quite remarkable. The end is probably gonna be tragical, but it does not make me sad like the usual tragic-ending-books. Those who have read it will probably know why.I must say I am impressed and those who know me well, books need to work hard to impress me.
Besides that book, I have been reading other stuff and drawing. My art was not that successful, but the thing is that I was not trying to make it that successful. I used it more for art therapy than expressing my talent (let's assume I have some). I was also looking at various websites and various stuff from change of food to how to make a top knot and a messy high bun. Don't judge me, it is quite useful if you think about it.
The more important part is that I try to hassle less, think less and not tbeing such a whiny (I still can't manage the last one).
Patience. This is something I also hardly manage and I find how valuable it is. I don't really know what might be the reason for my impatience, whether is the fact that I was born half a month earlier or that I am always in a hurry. Foo Fighters probably know what patience is, judging by their previous album.
In conclusion, this post has no particular meaning, no aim or theme. It is just my blah-blahs, because I had a lot of blah-blahs going on in my head and this is time to be out. You see my problem now, I have no clear notion how to name it, maybe it is going to be somethinig completely random, but judging by what my cousin told me last week- I am an odd person.
I am currently reading 'A Prayer for Owen Meany' and it is a book which is never getting boring. I have not been reading much fiction this year but this book is...different. It is not the usual cliche, there is no romance, no break ups, not the usual drama. The events that occur in this book are really tragical and meanwhile the author keeps it fresh. Irving is a really good writer. The plot is quite original and the characters are quite remarkable. The end is probably gonna be tragical, but it does not make me sad like the usual tragic-ending-books. Those who have read it will probably know why.I must say I am impressed and those who know me well, books need to work hard to impress me.
Besides that book, I have been reading other stuff and drawing. My art was not that successful, but the thing is that I was not trying to make it that successful. I used it more for art therapy than expressing my talent (let's assume I have some). I was also looking at various websites and various stuff from change of food to how to make a top knot and a messy high bun. Don't judge me, it is quite useful if you think about it.
The more important part is that I try to hassle less, think less and not tbeing such a whiny (I still can't manage the last one).
Patience. This is something I also hardly manage and I find how valuable it is. I don't really know what might be the reason for my impatience, whether is the fact that I was born half a month earlier or that I am always in a hurry. Foo Fighters probably know what patience is, judging by their previous album.
In conclusion, this post has no particular meaning, no aim or theme. It is just my blah-blahs, because I had a lot of blah-blahs going on in my head and this is time to be out. You see my problem now, I have no clear notion how to name it, maybe it is going to be somethinig completely random, but judging by what my cousin told me last week- I am an odd person.
6 Aug 2012
Female friendships....and how to avoid them.
Today’s blog topic is going to be about female
friendships.Yes,ladies,you heard me.Don’t pretend it does not concern
you,because it does.
Everyone can describe the term ‘friendship’ in a different way. However, the general meaning is pretty obvious: loyalty,understanding,comfort,sharing, etc (not necessary in that order). Nevertheless, the term ‘female friendship’ is a bit different, a bit…twisted. I will not enter in details and characterising adolescent,pre-adolescent and early adult age groups. Let’s just focus on the females between 16 and 25.
I have heard a lot about girls-to-girls fights, BFFs, ‘sisters’ and etc. The thing is that they are all the same, because most of the girls are all the same. Be aware-this is going to be a rant. I don’t like female friendships.You all girls can laugh at male conversations about how their friendships are stronger.I am sorry to admit it, but it’s true. You girls are weak in committing to long-term friendships. Even those who think that it does not concern them, it does, because you do it too. You find a friend, you spend some quality time with her (female friend) and then you decide somehow that this friend does not ‘understand’ you, is no fun anymore or someone else will do better.
I am not going to judge you, I am just fed up of those girls (women or just people) who never actually grasp the concept of understanding and being loyal or just simply caring. Yes, caring. Caring about someone’s else well-being and for a moment forgetting about your own every day moody drama. The other case scenario: let’s not bother those who are consistent friends, because right now we are too busy focusing on those people who are just more fun.
Sorry, all serious girls, people wanna have fun. They will either have too much fun or will be just too moody. What can I say, just accept it and best thing you can do is find a good male friend and stick with him, because males are right- female friendships are just plain and weak, like us.
Everyone can describe the term ‘friendship’ in a different way. However, the general meaning is pretty obvious: loyalty,understanding,comfort,sharing, etc (not necessary in that order). Nevertheless, the term ‘female friendship’ is a bit different, a bit…twisted. I will not enter in details and characterising adolescent,pre-adolescent and early adult age groups. Let’s just focus on the females between 16 and 25.
I have heard a lot about girls-to-girls fights, BFFs, ‘sisters’ and etc. The thing is that they are all the same, because most of the girls are all the same. Be aware-this is going to be a rant. I don’t like female friendships.You all girls can laugh at male conversations about how their friendships are stronger.I am sorry to admit it, but it’s true. You girls are weak in committing to long-term friendships. Even those who think that it does not concern them, it does, because you do it too. You find a friend, you spend some quality time with her (female friend) and then you decide somehow that this friend does not ‘understand’ you, is no fun anymore or someone else will do better.
I am not going to judge you, I am just fed up of those girls (women or just people) who never actually grasp the concept of understanding and being loyal or just simply caring. Yes, caring. Caring about someone’s else well-being and for a moment forgetting about your own every day moody drama. The other case scenario: let’s not bother those who are consistent friends, because right now we are too busy focusing on those people who are just more fun.
Sorry, all serious girls, people wanna have fun. They will either have too much fun or will be just too moody. What can I say, just accept it and best thing you can do is find a good male friend and stick with him, because males are right- female friendships are just plain and weak, like us.
30 Jul 2012
It does not (will not) bother me at all.
I hate, or if hate is too storng word- I don't like the feeling of needing.Anything.It makes me feel weak and weakness is not one of my welcomed feelings.I attempt to avoid the word 'want', but I can't restrain myself from using it, simply because I don't want this weaky-wacky feeling. Do you know what else I don't want?- pitying myself and whinning.All this whining makes weaker and weaker makes me mad at my dear self. And who wants to be mad at their dear selves? No one I know and I know pretty good sample of people. In order I to stop whinning and pitying myself here, I should do something which is more meaningful and then maybe this weak feeling will disappear along with the neediness.
Years ago it bothered me, years ago I did not even feel the urge to emotionally slap myself, but now I am not the same teenage girl who has the luxery of being bothered by such insignificant things. I do not want or choose to be bothered this time by these things.It's not because I try to be grown up (this blog post is the mere evidence that I am not mature enough) or more sensible, it is because it is a time for getting rid of the rubbish.The 'rubbish' some people who I like and respect try to throw at me in moments like this one,because right now I prefer to bother myself with Kapalbathi Pranayam, statistical data analysis and playing rice-feeding-kids-game.
Yours sincerely,
the not-bothered-me.
Years ago it bothered me, years ago I did not even feel the urge to emotionally slap myself, but now I am not the same teenage girl who has the luxery of being bothered by such insignificant things. I do not want or choose to be bothered this time by these things.It's not because I try to be grown up (this blog post is the mere evidence that I am not mature enough) or more sensible, it is because it is a time for getting rid of the rubbish.The 'rubbish' some people who I like and respect try to throw at me in moments like this one,because right now I prefer to bother myself with Kapalbathi Pranayam, statistical data analysis and playing rice-feeding-kids-game.
Yours sincerely,
the not-bothered-me.
24 Jun 2012
Me,books and me again.Reality call.
I have always loved books.Reading them,touching them,flipping through
the pages, smelling them, and re-reading them. I do not know why I
loved books so much.People generally have this wrong assumption,that
whoever reading books is educational or intelligent or smart. Well, I do
not think so. Books are fictional, they are not real.
I have always known this and again I have always loved them, but now I
begin to dislike them.It’s not that I do not read anymore, I still do. I
did one minute ago..but one more time I convinced myself that they may
be a bit waste of my time. I am mad at myself, mad for loving something
which is not real.I could be spending my time with
other activities such as meeting people or running,or whatever else it
is. But I chose (if there was a choice) to love reading books,to spend
time holding books. Maybe because they are ‘safe’, they will not lie to
you, because everything written in them is a lie you already know. They
will not judge you or question yourself and your actions (not in most of
the cases). And yet they are the safest option for me to love. Why I do
not love people as much as I love books? Why instead of caring about
someone’s ficitional unreal life, I actually start to live a
bit more my own life? Books are great at suppressing emotions,escaping
thoughts and fighting unsuccessfully depressive moments, but books are
not good at making me believe that I actually have real experiences and everything-real-else.
Why am I that stupid?
Why am I that stupid?
3 Jun 2012
My emotional roller coaster
-Enjoy the ride.
I am currently and I think I have always been (sometimes more,sometimes less) on an emotional roller coaster, which makes me crazy. A bit literally, I am afraid. I really want to get away from it, but you see, it keeps spinning around. And I keep spinning with it, so hard that it makes my head hurt. I don't know who gives the tickets for it, and why I always seem to have never-expiring ticket, but it does not seem fair to the other people. Maybe they want a ticket too? To an endless emotional roller coaster. I would invite everyone, but you know, the problem is that...I will always have the prime seat. It's like me and my emotional roller coaster (yeah, I even call it 'mine') have some kind of strong, unbreakable bond between each other. I guess here, the distance situation never applies to us. We are like...summer and sun. You can't really have summer without sun, at least not as we know it.
Anyway, to end this disturbing post, I will just say:
Tighten your seat belts, because I start spinning, and spinning...
I am currently and I think I have always been (sometimes more,sometimes less) on an emotional roller coaster, which makes me crazy. A bit literally, I am afraid. I really want to get away from it, but you see, it keeps spinning around. And I keep spinning with it, so hard that it makes my head hurt. I don't know who gives the tickets for it, and why I always seem to have never-expiring ticket, but it does not seem fair to the other people. Maybe they want a ticket too? To an endless emotional roller coaster. I would invite everyone, but you know, the problem is that...I will always have the prime seat. It's like me and my emotional roller coaster (yeah, I even call it 'mine') have some kind of strong, unbreakable bond between each other. I guess here, the distance situation never applies to us. We are like...summer and sun. You can't really have summer without sun, at least not as we know it.
Anyway, to end this disturbing post, I will just say:
Tighten your seat belts, because I start spinning, and spinning...
28 May 2012
Don't judge by the content.
Recently I have noticed that some of my friendships are in only one direction, which is not deal or heart breaker or whatsoever (because I love them), but I can not lie that I miss some of the conversations I had.
In my teenage years, friendships took important place in my life and mind, but now being in my early 20s I am not sure I should even write about all this stuff.
Following this direction, I have the thought that I may be a bit old for beginning new friendships...I mean all this process of sharing common interests, finding common ground, calling, waiting to be invited out, trying to think of something funny, because let's face it-no one wants boring friend (which for sure I may be one) is very exhausting.
And I am not even starting discussing my adult relationships,because they are even more confusing than my friendships, which may indicate something...
In my teenage years, friendships took important place in my life and mind, but now being in my early 20s I am not sure I should even write about all this stuff.
Following this direction, I have the thought that I may be a bit old for beginning new friendships...I mean all this process of sharing common interests, finding common ground, calling, waiting to be invited out, trying to think of something funny, because let's face it-no one wants boring friend (which for sure I may be one) is very exhausting.
And I am not even starting discussing my adult relationships,because they are even more confusing than my friendships, which may indicate something...
26 May 2012
Take a deep breath and don't say.
I hate the feeling of being annoyed.
(No matter how pointless this sentence may look), I really hate this feeling.I try my best to understand people's motives, principles and values, but sometimes I just can not understand them...
I also try to avoid going into people's business, because I can not place myself entirely in someone's perspective and situation. However, sometimes it is just not happening. My perspective is higihly different from others' and I am quite fuming person so I frankly speak up my mind...which is not right. They have their reasons, they have their motives, but I just feel like changing it and make it sound reasonable when it does not. All this chain reaction: someone says/writes/think something--> makes me annoyed--> I try to understand their point--> I say what I think--> then appears the guilty feeling.
Conclusion: I need to work better on my mechanisms which trigger the respond to annoying situations.
(No matter how pointless this sentence may look), I really hate this feeling.I try my best to understand people's motives, principles and values, but sometimes I just can not understand them...
I also try to avoid going into people's business, because I can not place myself entirely in someone's perspective and situation. However, sometimes it is just not happening. My perspective is higihly different from others' and I am quite fuming person so I frankly speak up my mind...which is not right. They have their reasons, they have their motives, but I just feel like changing it and make it sound reasonable when it does not. All this chain reaction: someone says/writes/think something--> makes me annoyed--> I try to understand their point--> I say what I think--> then appears the guilty feeling.
Conclusion: I need to work better on my mechanisms which trigger the respond to annoying situations.
17 May 2012
Nights are not for thinking,they are for sleeping and avoiding odd dreaming
...I don't remember whether someone have ever told me this or it is genual fact, but I repeatedly tell it to myself:
-Nights are not for thinking,they are for sleeping and avoiding odd dreaming.
You may think it is funny, but actually it is not. I have serious issues regarding too much thinking, a bit less doing and lack of healthy sleeping. Whatever I tried-does not work, no counting stars/sheep (wtf?)/imaging numbers/hot actors/coursework material/and...future. The last one should be underlined, but who cares,it is already imprinted in my consciousness. That's one of the things about my selfish-egocentric-trying-not-to-be-material-lame self, this word is buzzes me. It does not matter how much buzz it caused when you are in high school, it buzzes even more 2 years after your school graduation. The queston is... (should I be bothered to confess it?) - How to stop it.
If you know the answer of it, I dare you to share it with me. You may receive a cookie, or a buzz...
-Nights are not for thinking,they are for sleeping and avoiding odd dreaming.
You may think it is funny, but actually it is not. I have serious issues regarding too much thinking, a bit less doing and lack of healthy sleeping. Whatever I tried-does not work, no counting stars/sheep (wtf?)/imaging numbers/hot actors/coursework material/and...future. The last one should be underlined, but who cares,it is already imprinted in my consciousness. That's one of the things about my selfish-egocentric-trying-not-to-be-material-lame self, this word is buzzes me. It does not matter how much buzz it caused when you are in high school, it buzzes even more 2 years after your school graduation. The queston is... (should I be bothered to confess it?) - How to stop it.
If you know the answer of it, I dare you to share it with me. You may receive a cookie, or a buzz...
2 May 2012
Don't get me wrong
Recently I shifted my attention to smart and witty books/films/everything-else-that-occupies-your mind articles written by smart women, who are not paid 7dollars or something on a word like Carrie Bradshow (who does not recognise a good book), which later she spends on shoes and on the rent for her fancy NY appartment. It is probably inappropriate time to start this rather entertaining activity, but my mind needs its 'guilty pleasure' in time of science.
(just an observational post between watching 'New Girl' and reading 'HelloGiggles' in a lack of anything interesting to say).
(just an observational post between watching 'New Girl' and reading 'HelloGiggles' in a lack of anything interesting to say).
13 Apr 2012
The odd things I realize every day.
No matter what progress I have made, no matter what personal self-growth or whatever-you-call-it I reached... -
...- the moment I come home I feel like stupid teenage girl all over again.
...- the moment I come home I feel like stupid teenage girl all over again.
28 Mar 2012
My absent mind in absent mornings
I have always wondered about those type of girls you see in the bus or in lecture halls that seem so calm and relaxed, not bothered by anything, just having their tennis racquet with them and shiny twinkle phone which blinks at the sun. Those who look like they have been all morning in SPA procedures and those who just smile when they drop their textbooks.How you can not like them...
And me the girl who looks like a mixture between being naturally sad, tired and stressed. Me-the girl who almost reached the bus stop when she realized she forgot the textbook she had to return to the library 2 minutes before the bus arrives. The girl who would murmur 'fuck' when she drops something...
Two different types of girls you can observe in the bus or waiting for something somewhere...
And me the girl who looks like a mixture between being naturally sad, tired and stressed. Me-the girl who almost reached the bus stop when she realized she forgot the textbook she had to return to the library 2 minutes before the bus arrives. The girl who would murmur 'fuck' when she drops something...
Two different types of girls you can observe in the bus or waiting for something somewhere...
26 Feb 2012
Truth
They say the important is the journey not the destination.
People are happy only when they get what they want. Then they are not happy anymore, because they can't hold on it forever.
...
I still have not found the way to do it. How to live this way. Maybe someday I will learn to do it... to live for the journey,not the destination, not the final point, not the only one moment of fullfillment, but for every moment of fullfillment which every moment of the journey will give...will show.
...
People are happy only when they get what they want. Then they are not happy anymore, because they can't hold on it forever.
...
I still have not found the way to do it. How to live this way. Maybe someday I will learn to do it... to live for the journey,not the destination, not the final point, not the only one moment of fullfillment, but for every moment of fullfillment which every moment of the journey will give...will show.
...
26 Jan 2012
Which 'love' are you?
These days I can not stop to wonder. Have we lost our abilities to love?
An online article informed the world that love is considered to be mental illness according to some unknown source. It was accompanied by symptoms including the well-known mood swings, obssessive thoughts, impaired sleep and eating patterns. They all say love is the greatest good. But do they all say that love is actually mental illness? Is this what love is meant to be or this is what we made love to be? Does love transform us by making us better people or does it force us to be obssessive and selfish? Are there different types of 'love' or is there only one type we all know and experienced? Did we make love what is it now -mental disorder, or did love make us ill?
And the final question which does not give me peace: When we converted the love into illness? Why we had to form all our desire of power, possession, and selfishness into this abnormal twisted form of attachment, called love?
Now I am asking you: Do you think this is the love which was about to save the world or we lost our abilities to feel what really love was supposed to be?
...
An online article informed the world that love is considered to be mental illness according to some unknown source. It was accompanied by symptoms including the well-known mood swings, obssessive thoughts, impaired sleep and eating patterns. They all say love is the greatest good. But do they all say that love is actually mental illness? Is this what love is meant to be or this is what we made love to be? Does love transform us by making us better people or does it force us to be obssessive and selfish? Are there different types of 'love' or is there only one type we all know and experienced? Did we make love what is it now -mental disorder, or did love make us ill?
And the final question which does not give me peace: When we converted the love into illness? Why we had to form all our desire of power, possession, and selfishness into this abnormal twisted form of attachment, called love?
Now I am asking you: Do you think this is the love which was about to save the world or we lost our abilities to feel what really love was supposed to be?
...
23 Jan 2012
Ego and Moi- One mutual relationship.
Me-one of the most open opposers of the good old 'ego' or also known as the quality of 'egocentrism'. Me- one of the most critical person of people's ambitions and egos. Me- the person who actually possess tha trait of 'egocentrism'. Less 'ego' and more 'centrism' or both work equally. Fact.
I have always known that I am a bit selfish, but these days I prove that I am egocentric. My ego did not give me a choice. My ego tortured my nights and days in the continuum of weeks. My ego decided to shut up this morning, but several hours later it decided to rise a voice again. Now I am wondering whether I can actually erase my ego and replace it with self-concern (because it sounds less 'ego'-ish?) or I can surrender and confess in front of the whole world and my merely readers (if I actually have any) that I am egocentric.
I am sorry World, but no matter how egocentric I am (and probably always will be) I still remain one of the most direct opposers of egocentrism. So swallow all your ego or you will not give me a choice.
I have always known that I am a bit selfish, but these days I prove that I am egocentric. My ego did not give me a choice. My ego tortured my nights and days in the continuum of weeks. My ego decided to shut up this morning, but several hours later it decided to rise a voice again. Now I am wondering whether I can actually erase my ego and replace it with self-concern (because it sounds less 'ego'-ish?) or I can surrender and confess in front of the whole world and my merely readers (if I actually have any) that I am egocentric.
I am sorry World, but no matter how egocentric I am (and probably always will be) I still remain one of the most direct opposers of egocentrism. So swallow all your ego or you will not give me a choice.
22 Jan 2012
Grown Up or Old?
The awkward moment when you realize that you have actually grown up.
It strikes you with a laugh at first, but later you start thinking... what if?
After all, 20 is not assumed as an 'old' age, but a 'mature' one. However, when you tried doing some activity which you have been doing years ago...Then you start to feel old. You realize you are no longer this teenage kid who understood the 'teenage' jokes and games. If you are not a teenager anymore, does it mean that you are not young anymore?
When do we realize are we mature or childish and when do we take real responsibility of our actions?
It strikes you with a laugh at first, but later you start thinking... what if?
After all, 20 is not assumed as an 'old' age, but a 'mature' one. However, when you tried doing some activity which you have been doing years ago...Then you start to feel old. You realize you are no longer this teenage kid who understood the 'teenage' jokes and games. If you are not a teenager anymore, does it mean that you are not young anymore?
When do we realize are we mature or childish and when do we take real responsibility of our actions?
20 Jan 2012
Life lessons or life drama? Failure or drama?
Drama.
I appreciate the genre of drama films and drama tv series. Drama theatre. I like the drama in self-searching, independency-seeking books. I listen about drama stories around me and try to nod understandingly or feel sympathetic.
The word 'drama'. I can not bother searching its definition in the dictionary, because I know what it means, .... because it is all about drama in our lives.
The strange thing is that I deny having drama in my life. I deny liking drama in my life. I push the drama away from me as fast as I can...or as good as I can. The another strange thing is that...I seek drama or drama seeks me. Both ways work and vice versa. I hate all this drama I create. I despise making pity of my drama. I decline performing this act all over again. But here I am feeling drama. Again. Again. And again. I search for methods to escape it, to avoid it, to deny it, to vanish it. I search and search...and dive into it. In my drama. Eventually it happens. Eventually I surrender...eventually I become the drama. It is nothing. This drama is probably nothing. This drama is probably a fruit of my mind creativity. I deny feeling this drama this time. I will plausibly reach the failing point. After the failing point I will probably reach my failing point. But this is just one fear and two failing points. This will not turn out into drama. My failure will not be my drama...as long as I have saving bridges. As long as I stand on my feet.
...
Drama loses this time even if failure wins over me.
I appreciate the genre of drama films and drama tv series. Drama theatre. I like the drama in self-searching, independency-seeking books. I listen about drama stories around me and try to nod understandingly or feel sympathetic.
The word 'drama'. I can not bother searching its definition in the dictionary, because I know what it means, .... because it is all about drama in our lives.
The strange thing is that I deny having drama in my life. I deny liking drama in my life. I push the drama away from me as fast as I can...or as good as I can. The another strange thing is that...I seek drama or drama seeks me. Both ways work and vice versa. I hate all this drama I create. I despise making pity of my drama. I decline performing this act all over again. But here I am feeling drama. Again. Again. And again. I search for methods to escape it, to avoid it, to deny it, to vanish it. I search and search...and dive into it. In my drama. Eventually it happens. Eventually I surrender...eventually I become the drama. It is nothing. This drama is probably nothing. This drama is probably a fruit of my mind creativity. I deny feeling this drama this time. I will plausibly reach the failing point. After the failing point I will probably reach my failing point. But this is just one fear and two failing points. This will not turn out into drama. My failure will not be my drama...as long as I have saving bridges. As long as I stand on my feet.
...
Drama loses this time even if failure wins over me.
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